Best Fest?

Inexplicably, Rhode Islanders intermittently convene for no reason other than to watch others convene, mill around, sit placidly, or stuff faces, while some march streets beating drums, blaring brass or car horns, blocking traffic, or shooting weapons, stuff otherwise deemed annoying, frightening or illegal. Supposedly, everyone loves a parade. State is famous for nation’s oldest run annually from 1785 or so on pertinacious impetus in Bristol. Independence, Memorial and St. Patrick’s Days are similarly marked in other locales. Such gatherings have existed since primitive times but usually as appeasements to angry spirits or fertility rights. Don’t expect to meet anyone attractive; generally they’re populated by misshapen married couples and rambunctious prepubescent children. In 1995 this discriminatory oversight was partially remedied by the Foo Fest outside AS220 in downtown Providence, where slacker teens and young adults can mingle and shuffle until wee hours to ear splitting noise stalked by homeless crackheads and middle-aged creeps.

Precedent European festivals morphed from medieval liturgical rites to modern vernacular revels. Here they come in several flavors: arts, crafts, farm, film, food, history, music, saints and sports, stuff definitely worth celebrating. Almost all involve anachronistic cacophonous music and questionably palatable snacks. Oddly, parish patrons are honored in the same fashion, when rock & roll was once denounced from pulpits. Rhode Islanders no longer recognize science or technology, which over a century ago made state the nation’s richest per capita but during last several decades reversed to poorest, unless you consider musters of vintage vehicles parked for fatuous fans to drool over and wax nostalgically. Can’t imagine how to classify air shows or balloon rallies except for dangerously unnecessary, while Waterfires arguably fall under paeans to air pollution or an umbrella of Fluxus art.

Similarly, a Memorial Day exhibition of “Boots on the Ground” (shown) reminded everyone of their debt to nearly seven thousand Americans from every military branch who’ve died in this century’s War on Terror. Naturally, donations from the few who attended didn’t cover costs, because people would rather not know how their luxuries are secured. In the same decades and a half these fatalities are dwarfed by a half million victims of motor vehicle crashes, though both part of a continuing holocaust offered to their chief god, Big Oil. With 4 million accidents annually nationwide, pedestrians in boots fare better than motorists with butts in cars.

Around nation locals tend to honor whatever sustains them. Often that means agriculture and ranching. Not to be outdone, Rhode Island has its week long Washington County Fair every August, though neighboring states have bigger versions soon thereafter within short driving distances. Come September farmer markets pop up around cities. Arrive on foot, follow your nose, and taste samples from stall to tent. With farm-to-table all the rage, you assume freshness but question comparative quality, high prices, and lack of refrigeration or sanitation. Patrons buy to support local agriculture lest open expanses become housing developments. But prices reduce by half if you visit actual farms with their inherent odors and intimidating remoteness. Up in Woonsocket you can watch cows being milked at Wright’s Farm, though aromas might put you off a pastry shop purchase. Or you can visit your neighborhood supermarket, where exactly the same produce is sold at competitive prices.

Why so many arts events? Nonprofits exist to draw federal grants for which only nonprofits can apply. Once secured, some must be spent demonstrably, and what better proof do they need than another public event crammed into jammed calendar. Summer is prime time, though events occur year round. Just don’t bother trying to join vendors, as all spots are already taken by insiders whose families stole land from natives in distant past.

Consequently, nothing cutting edge, the very definition of art, will ever be shown, rather inferior examples of outmoded tastes with a paint-by-number and velvet elvis vibe. Scituate includes a few fine arts in its primarily craft fair and flea market, whereas Wickford limits recycled junk to stores already serving that purpose, though both focus on hackneyed commerce over ineffable expressions. Food concessions outsell frustrated artists, who retreat with wares to small galleries in seaside tourist traps. Museums at least purport to collect worthwhile examples, though upon huge endowments they preferentially treat the rich with token free admissions which the poor still can’t afford. Pawtucket, with over 600 working artists, used to sponsor a workspace crawl, where you could get to know artist personally, the best reason to collect art, but corporate sponsors probably didn’t figure it was well managed and participants concluded money and time spent weren’t delivering sales results in a depressed economy.

These are not the only assemblies that occur, with micro-scale social media meet-ups occurring daily, sometimes planned to visit festivals as a group with ease of parking and safety in numbers in mind. Often small fees are levied to join, then members wait forever for something to occur that fits their busy schedule and promises proximity to someone with whom they’d want to spend time. Unfortunately, there are no celebrity meet-ups, though there are rigged raffles at which you can throw money with a remote chance of receiving a brief greeting backstage or before party.

The above examples prove that you can’t rate festivals. Everyone has own reason to attend and size hardly matters, since you really meet only a few among a throng. You’d think theme events would attract likeminded patrons, but chances of succeeding commercially would thereby be limited. Your best bets for social success are cash clubs, private parties, or staying home.

Ocean Notion

Suddenly Rhode Island has a new logo and slogan. Didn’t need one for going on 400 years, though many were bandied about waiting for a sucker to buy. One could only “Hope” that “What Cheer, Netop” could have evolved past “Greetings, Friend”, “Hi, Neighbor”, or something crooked legislators and secret societies whisper among themselves. Could try anagrams, as did superstitious 17th Century colonists, to find contemporary hidden agendas within, such as: Cheap Whorer
Help Wretch Atone
No Teacher Wept
Path to Nowhere
Poe, Thence Wrath
Thwart Heap Once
We Cheat, Ne’er Hope

Catch phrases having 14 letters don’t cure disgust, fear, or triskaidekaphobia generally felt when considering relocating assembly plants or corporate headquarters to this coastal playground.

But words don’t have much meaning anymore since journalism died and was buried by propaganda infotainment used to sell useless products and whip up resentment. Sure, as article describes, there might well be proportionally more smart Rhode Islanders, but you can hardly attribute this to the 13 institutions of higher learning, since students can’t wait to leave for more fertile ground once they graduate. You don't have to be very bright to notice how desperate circumstances have become. Smartest people find ways to thrive independently and refrain from rinky-dink political ambitions imagining them a preposterous stepping stone to national stage.

A common sense belief holds that every Rhode Islander has brooded over its slate gray bay and watched waves thunderously crash away. Not true. Have actually known Northern grown Rhode Islanders who never visited Narragansett or Newport where bay meets sound, perhaps peeked at brackish Providence River from I-195 while passing. In fact, interstate throughways within borders aren’t close enough to sea to see the slightest glimpse. Only a small subset of residents have fished, hung five, sailed, stink potted, swam, or worked waves off shores. Yet discriminatory logo depicts a sail, and registration plates show a perfect surfer pocket atop Ocean State legend, mere marketing hype, not marine truth.

Privileged individuals have time to promote their own version. Although there’s aquaculture, shipping, and 348 miles of tideline, what Rhode Island is mostly about involves empty buildings, exit ramp panhandlers, failed businesses, fiscal crises, garish graffiti, lawmaker indictments, legal prostitution, miserly banking, nonprofit begging, tax exempt churches and colleges, urban blight, and yokels who don’t know enough to turn off the lights and walk away from a zoom through transportation nexus unwillingly built by taxpaying residents bled dry by government mismanagement. Nothing too cool or warm about any of this, should have known dark and humid just wouldn’t have flown in the long (5 word state name) and short (4 letter motto) of it.

After imploding project towers up Hartford Avenue, they now want to turn iconic Industrial Bank (Superman) Tower into another tall warehouse for impoverished renters. Developer wants contributions from tax coffers for this new “Project”. Creative capital? Without an adjacent parking garage, no emergency care facility or supermarkets nearby, or similar services within walking distance, who else would want to live there? If not for the major mall next to statehouse, downtown would be a ghost town. The Outlet Garage once served same purpose, now a college campus pedestrian quadrangle. Almost all important buildings require security screens, since they seem to deem undesirable most who roam streets. Eagle Square with both market and parking has better per capita occupancy. Abusive ticketing at metered parking keeps visitors away. Success would flow from steady traffic turnover and will to invest, but mayor still acts as if capitol were some vital metropolis instead of worn out gotham no longer beholden to old money.

Spring here is generally a foggy transition from frosty slop to sultry sweat that keeps you indoors or inside cars, while greenery hints then surfaces under summer haze. You might have an occasional notion to seek ocean for a few months each year, but that’s all. Brooks, rivers, streams and tributaries relentlessly keep pace right alongside, so cause disgrace and define place more than anything occupying this simple space. Blackstone, Kickemuit, Moshassuck, Narrow, Palmer, Pawcatuck, Pawtuxet, Pocasset, Providence, Sakonett, Seekonk, Woonasquatucket, and Wood Rivers carved its plots and terrain. Sensibly excluding Big, Branch, Chepacet, Clear, Ten Mile, and West, called rivers but really streams, maybe “13 Rivers, 13th State” better represents Rhode Island, since no ocean actually touches any border.

Drops, puddles and trickles are humble, cling together, and dream of rejoining seas, among planet’s most powerful forces alongside gravity and insolation. Marketeers know that adjectives bright, deep, and powerful caress conceit, not describe accessible, comfortable, local, lowly, preferable reality. A well worn shoe depicts Rhode Island better than whatever cryptic slogan or stylized notion some outsider decides from internet sources having never been or lived there.

Twice Rode Nice Roads

Since it's called "riding" should share a few favorite Rhode Island roads. Totally subjective, scenic vistas are limited in a fairly flat state unless you enjoy bay views and beach waves, of which there are plenty. Rare high points do provide overlooks, none more impressive than from Newport Pell Bridge on a clear, still morning. East Side of Providence has Prospect Park where a statue of Roger Williams glowers over city below. Chapel View in Cranston and Stone Hill in Johnston offer glimpses of faraway downcity skyline. So you’re fairly warned, “riding” can also imply deriding, as in running down moronic foibles and petty pretenses in a diminutive state with so few claims to fame.

Some stretches attract better by season. From January through early April dangers from icy or narrow roads exist. But you may still be tempted by midday spins past foggy coves, frozen ponds, or snow covered fields. Winter quiet can be eerie or peaceful depending upon what surrounds. Naked landscapes look completely different than when draped in leaves. Birches akimbo and stark with white bark stand apart from gloomy pines huddled in lines and shamed maples and oaks with tanned cloaks scattered underfoot.

From late April through June, you can reliably plan to be where displays and events occur, such as historic reenactments, orchards in bloom, or renowned parades worth seeing once. Annual highlights include Gaspee Day Parade and the Memorial Day commemoration of armed service at Exeter's Veterans Cemetery festooned with thousands of American flags. Midway through May, URI’s East Farm on North Road has 200 blossoming crabapple trees and hosts visitors at a small merchant fair.

Shade eases your passage on sweltering July and August afternoons, although so do ocean breezes if you can tolerate thick traffic. About the best way to observe nation's oldest 4th of July parade in Bristol is to park in neighboring Warren and take bikeway in. Otherwise, it a long walk unless you know someone or live on parade route. Renown for art and culinary schools, festivals for both appeal. Aquaculture and seafood are saluted annually in South County. Arts and crafts are shown in Scituate, Westerly and Wickford. Pawtucket organizes an open studio crawl in September. Providence has several permanent galleries and tastings events held at convention center.

Colorful foliage attracts in October north and west of capitol. Curious foodies taste clam cakes and johnnycakes at Usquepaug and Richmond fairs. November afternoons with purple skies and yellowed expanses radiate a sense of belonging. December doles out hectic short spins amidst holiday shoppers, but also opportunities to pass fabulous light displays at night if suitably equipped. LaSalette Shrine in neighboring Attleboro and Slater Park in Pawtucket will get you more than half way through your annual search for a million points of light.

Naturally, loops through major parks, such as Colt, Goddard, Lincoln and Roger Williams, are usually pleasant. Comparatively ideal are 80 miles of 7 linear parks in state's bikeway system, since devoid of car fumes and motorist impatience and relatively flat. However, few are lit at night, patrolled, or planted as parks with flower beds, specimen shrubs, or stately trees, but they do cross swirling eddies on old train trestles and pass fascinating architecture built centuries ago from native granite. RIDOT offers a map online with all bikeways in detail and suitable roads indicated in blue.

Wary of drawing an army, excluding worthy, implying safety, or insulting ordinary, reluctantly list 10 appealing, brief circuits that take in some of state's best ambience whether you bike or drive. In either case, proceed carefully and share roads nicely. Since all forms of travel present risks, participants assume all responsibilities.

1. Sakonnet: Begin at Island Park in Portsmouth and head north. Cross Sakonnet Bridge, then south to Main Street in Tiverton. Cross bridge on Namaqutucket. Again intersect RI-77, right to Seapowet through bird sanctuary, then along Puncatest Neck. Optionally, descend to Fogland Beach on Sakonnet River. After a few miles more south on RI-77, turn east onto Meeting House to Little Compton Commons, where you can explore quaint village and read Rhode Island Red plaque. After all, this chicken is, perhaps appropriately, the state bird. Willow, South Lake, Brayton, Bulgarmarch, Fish and Souza get you back to Sakonnet Bridge on quiet back roads after about 29 miles. Or you could backtrack along RI-77 and include shops and treats at Tiverton 4 Corners. During Summer, an authentic clam shack awaits your return.

2. Newport: Begin at Kings Park on Wellington, then loop Harrison, Ridge, Ocean, and Bellevue Avenues. Can’t beat boats in harbor, Fort Adams, Light at Castle Hill, ocean spray at Brenton Point, and opulent mansions, though traffic can be formidable. Best to choose early morning or offseason. Return on Memorial Drive and take left onto Thames Street, where you’ll see “The Wave” bronze, and wend south past a warren of small restaurants and shops before ending after about 15 miles. A right instead on Memorial to Purgatory will extend to Sachuest Point Reserve and vineyards of Middletown for tasting(s).

3. Narragansett: Another route that offers sea shores and superior vistas begins at North Kingstown Park n’ Lock at intersection of RI-1A and RI-138. Head south on Boston Neck Road past Chase Farm and note view across Narragansett Bay to Jamestown and Newport. Cross bridge at Narrow River and look both ways for more great views. Continue past town beaches and underneath The Towers on Ocean Road until you reach Scarborough Beach. Directly backtrack for about 22 miles. If you want more, extend to Point Judith Light and/or include a loop west to Sand Hill Cove and village of Galilee. Throughout are eateries and places to try namesake beer, several open year round.

Add interest on return by turning left after Narrow River onto Old Boston Neck through Middlebridge, then right up Bridgetown to retrace through Saunderstown, where there’s a small snuff mill museum associated with colonial portrait painter Gilbert Stuart, then back to start.

4. New Shoreham: All of Block Island suggests Scottish moors. The Nature Conservancy designated it among “The Last (12) Great Places” in the Western Hemisphere, so definitely worth a 45 minute boat trip if seas are calm or shorter flight from Westerly. From ferry landing within an hour by bike you can ring 10 miles of lower island on West Side, Cooneymus past Rodman Hollow, Lake Side, and Mohegan Trail, stopping by Southeast Lighthouse high on a bluff above Atlantic Ocean. To double distance, go up Corn Neck to North Lighthouse and retrace before afternoon ferry back to Point Judith. Or, by all means, lounge on a pristine beach or quaff brews within sight of ferry dock.

5. Glocester: Start around intersection of RI-44 and RI-116 in Greenville. Smith Avenue to Snake Hill passes orchards in Spring bloom, Mainly shady in Summer, town is renowned for its good road surfaces and low population density. Turn northwest onto Turtlelotte Hill. Cross and trace Putnam Pike for a mile, stop at Brown & Hopkins General Store (among nation’s oldest, open daily since 1809) in ancient village of Chepachet. Retrace up Turtlelotte Hill to Pound and sharply turn onto Paris Irons. A right on Snake Hill then quick left on Old Cranberry Hill tracks down Sandy Brook onto Rocky Hill Road. Elmdale leads to Polebridge, then a left on RI-116 north to right on Windsor. A left on Greenville ends your 20 mile spin.

6. Smithfield: Same start as 5, this is a hilly, shady Summer route with nice Fall foliage on back roads practically deserted midday. Go north on Austin Avenue to Mapleville Road. Either bear left onto strenuous Evans or right onto easier Tarkiln. Both lead eventually to Colwell. Right on Mattity then Nichols brings you to Log Road, a technical challenge for cyclists with twisty turns and undulating terrain dangerously south down and past Stillwater Reservoir. Pleasant View with its unpleasant traffic can’t be avoided, but a right off RI-116 onto Pleasant View Circle back onto Austin lets you to skip the nasty intersection at RI-44 near end, having covered, in all, about 17 miles.

7. Cumberland: Another reliable Fall foliage circuit starts near end of RI-99 (off RI-146), wherever convenient for you, and takes in varied water views and wide fields of Northeast Corner. Follow Mendon Road east to Cumberland Hill. Turn left on West Wrentham north. Turn east on rolling, twisty, tight Tower Hill, and right on Diamond Hill. Off route south on Diamond Hill Road is Phantom Farm with hot beverage and pastries. Again turn east on Reservoir crossing causeway. Continue north, bearing left on Burnt Swamp. To extend, you can continue straight with lefts on Hancock and West and a right on Arnold, up steep hill to The Big Apple, where fruits and treats are sold in September and October. Or instead take a left on claustrophobic Sumner Brown admiring allée of trees at Mount St. Rita cloister, then, in both cases, south on RI-121. The entrance to Diamond Hill State Park and Ice Cream Factory are to your left just ahead, from which you can backtrack. Or go straight on Pine Swamp then turn southwest on West Wrentham to Elder Ballou Meeting House, where, behind cemetery, cumberlandite, state’s official stone, was once mined for its iron content. Mendon Road to end completes about 15 miles, 18 or 20 with snack detour(s).

8. Scituate: Many bicyclists challenge themselves year round with this 14 mile circuit of lower Scituate Reservoir along State Routes 12, 14 and 116. Beware of fast vehicles, narrow roads, and sweaty climbs. Trees are mostly conifers and oaks, so colorful foliage doesn’t draw, yet does include Ashland Causeway and Gainer Dam, magnificent views across state’s largest manmade lake. Access from wherever you wish. Many choose the commons at North Scituate, about 3.5 miles north of route at the intersection RI-6A and RI-116. Others choose the village of Hope, 2 miles south of route, past the sporadically entertaining water aeration plant with scores of 30’ tall plumes. Where RI-12 intersects with RI-14/102, Ponagansett Road offers a mile detour to an impressive waterfall on the Barden Reservoir. There are no temptations en route, though Sunset Orchards nearby in North Scituate offers baked items and local fruit once harvested. In Spring, just past orchard there’s an impressive display of private rhododendrons you can visit for a small donation.

9. Lincoln. Begin anytime except in Winter at either Flanagan Campus of CCRI or Twin Rivers Casino off RI-146. Head east on Twin River Road, which leads into Lincoln Woods State Park. Bear right and follow park road past Olney Pond. At first real intersection (unmarked) turn right and descend through a rare covered bridge to exit onto RI-123. A right and 3 blocks ahead visit Eleazer Arnold House, a 17th Century stone ender. Further is Front Street with snacks and stores. Retrace RI-123. At Moshassuck River (sources are Olney and several smaller ponds) pass Moffet Mill (1812), one of state’s first machine shops, and Smith’s federal fieldstone Hearthside House (1810). Bear right at waterfall to continue tracing historically significant Great Road through Lime Rock village (1665). Turn west on Wilbur. Pass Conklin quarry, the source of limestone from which RI’s statehouse was built. Cross over RI-146 and turn left on RI-246, which parallels highway. Turn west on Harris to Jenckes Hill, then south on Angell. Turn east on Twin River to complete 12 interesting but strenuous miles.

10. Warwick: One of state’s busiest and most populous cities is also pretty flat along bayside coves, so makes for decent Winter spins if you're careful. Begin in Pawtuxet Village on the Cranston side of river. Little waterfalls below bridge are what give river its native name. Head south on Narragansett Parkway alongside bay to Spring Green, through neatly kept Governor Francis Farms on Algonquin, then Squantum which leads to Warwick Avenue. Watch for jets and planes on final approach to Green Airport. Carefully navigate dicey intersection of Airport and West Shore Roads, among state’s worst. Once safely on West Shore, proceed a dull mile to a left on Royal in quaint Conimicut Village with its picket fenced cottages. Bellman becomes Shawomet, then Point leads into Conimicut Park with a panorama of Providence River spilling into Narraganset Bay. Point leads back to West Shore. Next left on Tidewater, Longmeadow, then Palmer bring you to Rocky Point, a former amusement park which now features a biking/walking path and fine overlook. Backtrack Palmer to either bike path or Oakside to intersect Warwick Neck Avenue back to West Shore Road north. Turn left on Church, then right on Beach back to Conimicut. Retrace West Shore to nasty Hoxie, then Squantum to Narragansett Parkway. Fair Street leads to Post Road and ride's end after 17 miles ready for a hot beverage at Little Falls Bakery & Cafe.